MODERN DINING
A Short Play in Three Courses
Act 1.
Server: Good evening and welcome to ∀üxqua, experiential.
Diner 1:Oh that’s how you say it
Diner 2: Yeah we were wondering, I read it means something, what was it? something about the chef’s grandmother’s lap?
Server: It is a creative compound, half of an expression the Chef’s grandmother would use to call the dog, and half of a Lapp word for reindeer hooves. It represents our vision of obscure global fusion combined with traditional home kitchen cuisine.
Diner 1: Oh, cool, that’s really different.
Diner 2: Oh I’m so excited , I saw a tweet about this place, some of the food is not actually edible!
Server: (Polite Smile) What sort of water are we interested in the evening? Bottled or Tap?
Diner 2: What sort of Bottled do you have?
Server: Big Bubble, Medium Sparkle, Nearly Flat, Flat, presented Warm, Cool, or Cold. We also have tap water poured in to a glass bottle and cooled.
Diner 2: Nearly flat, how would you describe that?
Server: The Chef takes a bottle of our Medium Sparkle water from an Artesian well in Madagascar and he unscrews the cap, the screws it back on halfway and leaves it on the counter.
Diner 1: Do you do that with the Big Bubble as well.
Server: Humph, No.
Diner 2: That’s too bad, I guess I’ll just have tap.
Diner 1: Me too, with ice.
Diner 2: But not too much ice.
Diner 1: If you could just give us two ice cubes each.
Diner 2 : And a slice of lemon, that would be great.
Server: Excellent. Now, Have you undergone our dining experience before?
Diner 2: No, but we’ve read about it .We’re very excited.
Server: The menu is divisional Petite, Small, Medium , Large and Family Style plates, it is further divided by Primary ingredient. We suggest that you order at least 5 petite plates or three small per person as a first course, as some are meant to be experienced rather than eaten. We serve tapas style, the dishes come out as they are prepared, when I say first course I refer merely to the concept of a course.
Diner 1: How big is a Medium plate?
Server: It is larger than the Small but smaller than the Large.
Diner: Can we split a Medium ?
Server: If you wish.
Diner 1: Sorry, I meant is it enough for two?
Server: It can be. Are we having cocktails this evening? The first page outlines our cocktail list, second and third our wines by the glass, and the remainder is our extensive international wine list.
Diner 2: Wow, I didn’t know they made wine in North Dakota.
Diner 1: Interesting, I’m thinking about a cocktail
Diner 2: Ooh yeah, they sound so interesting. I think I’ll have the Quixotic , it says it’s served in a martini glass, could I have it on the rocks? In a tall glass?
Server: (Sigh) Sure.
Diner 2: And I’m not sure about the macerated Zucchini dust, could I have that on the side?
Server: Are you sure? It’s very good.
Diner 2: Yes, and could you add just a squeeze of lime?
Server: Very Well. And for the Gentleman?
Diner 1: Now I’m not sure I’m between the Latvian Partially Oaked Chardonnay and the Ecuadorean Reisling… which do you prefer?
Sever: As a pre dinner drink I prefer the Reisling.
Diner 1: Do you think I could have taste of each?
Server: Of course, I’ll be right back.
Diner 2: Omigod!!! Dakota and Geoffrey just facebooked me, they are right around the corner..should I ask them to join us?
Diner 1: Definitely I’ll text them
Server returns with wine tastes.
Diner 1: Two friends have decided to join us, would it be possible to move to a larger table?
Server: Not a problem, I’m going to move you to the other end of the room, where the menu varies slightly, I can review the options with you when your guests arrive. Which of the wines do you prefer?
Diner 1: Wow now I’m not sure about wine, since there’ll be four of us we’ll probably get a bottle. You know what, I’ll just have a martini, Half Stoli, Half Grey Goose, Dry but not too dry, up, with a twist and one olive and an onion and rocks on the side.
Server: Very good. I’ll bring it to your new table.
Act Two:
Server: Hello again, and welcome , are there any questions about the menu or are we ready to order??
Diner 1: I think I’m good, anyone need more time?
Diner 4: I’ll be ready by the time you get to me.
Diner 2: Yep.
Diner 3 : I have a few questions. The Lamb knuckles, I wasn’t aware that lambs’ had knuckles, can you explain that?
Server: Absolutely, you are correct they do not have knuckles per se, it’s a pun, the chef uses the meat from the left side of the lambs hind quarters and fashions it to resemble lobster knuckles, stuffs them in to the lobster knuckle shells and cooks them sous vide with eisswien and peppercorns.
Diner 3: Hmmm. And what was the soup of the day again?
Server: Vaporized fava beans, served in an atomizer, accented with freeze dried barnacle broth and a balsamic marshmallow, over a puddle of sea bean consommé.
Diner 2: That sounds soooo interesting!
Diner 3: Ok well, I’ll have the soup, the lamb knuckles, a small plate of the grilled koi and the Linen Wrap
Server: Just so you know the Linen Wrap, is an experience rather than a dish meant to be eaten. We provide an ipod with Pachebel’s Canon in D Minor, when you have the ear buds in place we lay a warm strip of linen infused with the scent of roasted wild game over your nose. The chef suggests that you follow it with the Quail Cubes.
Diner 3 : Ok , what the hay, I’ll try it.
Diner 1: I’m going to go for the Corn Flakes with Milk, Octopus Mini Pot Pie, White Chocolate Ancho Anchovies, and we’re going to share the Rabbit Ribs right babe?
Diner 2: Yes!, And I’ll have the Snow Pea Snow Cone, the Warm Licorice Risotto and the Squeezable Yak Cheese and Crackers.
Diner 4: Um I have some questions. It says that all the meats are responsibly processed? What does that mean exactly.
Server: Their lives are ended in a responsible and kind manner
Diner 4: Really, how is that?
Server: They are bored to death, madam.
Diner 2: What? Really? How?
Server: The Chef has a co-share in a farm where they have developed methods to lull the animals into a death trance, it takes longer than traditional methods and is rather costly, however we find that the quality of the end product is superior.
Diner 4: I see, well I am looking for some thing vegan and gluten free? Do you have anything like that? Can the bison panini be made without the bison or the bread? I just love the idea of peanut marjoram gremolata, but I want it on something else, how can I do that?
Server: I believe if we eliminated the bison and the bread form the bison panini, we would be offering you a plate of peanut gremolata and radish sprouts.
Diner 4: That’s fine, I’ll also have the Salad of Wild City Park Greens, dressing in the side, no cheese, extra dried crabgrass , the Etude of Squash and the Flaming Rice and please make sure there is no butter added. Do you have any gluten free bread?
Server: No
Diner 4: You should you know, gluten is poison in your body.
Server: I’ll speak to the chef about it,
Act Three
Server: The half caf, triple espresso for the lady, iced matcha tea fusion for the gentleman, and two regular coffees with stevia and vanilla soy milk.
Diner 2. I totally loooved my dark chocolate covered pebbles, so different. Who would have thought sucking the chocolate off a rock would be so good.
Server: Our pastry Chef is particularly proud of that one, she thought of it after dropping a chocolate bar on the ground on a hot day.
Diner 1. Just brilliant.
Server: Now can I get anyone anything else? Digestifs? After dinner drinks?
Diner 3. I think we’re good.
Diner 4: OOH what’s all this?
Server; These are our complimentary Petit Fours, from left to right we have; Raisin Caramels, Pine Nectar Lollipops, Banana Flower Spun Sugar, Mincemeat Truffles, Sweet Artichoke Gelees and Baby Sponge Cakes infused with Suet Crème, the pastry chef’s version of a Twinkie.
Diner 2: Yumm
Diner 4: (Chewing mini twinkie) That’s is so good, I love it… would it be possible to get a few more of these to go?
Server: I hope madam is aware that the (Air Quote) Twinkies, contain both white flour and animal products.
Diner 4: Yeah I know, but they are so good, and sometimes I cheat a little.
Server: I see.
Diner 1: I guess you can bring the check.
Server: Of course
Diner 3: How are we doing this, are we splitting.
Diner 1: Definitely, and we have gift certificate.
Diner 4: Oh wait is it Wednesday? I have a thing I downloaded with 10% off any restaurant on the avenue on Wednesdays.
Diner 1: Great!
Server Returns
Diner 1: Ok if you could put $46 on this card, $27 on the red one, $56 on the Amex and $48 on the other Amex, and we have a $50 gift certificate and I think the check is missing the 10% Wednesday on the Avenue Discount.
Server: I apologize, we are not actually on the avenue therefore do not participate in the program.
Diner 4: Oh I see, kind of misleading, isn’t it?
Server: I suppose it could be, we are 3 blocks away.
Diner 2: Oh well whatever, it’ll be fine, Thank you, everything was very good.
Server: Thank You. I hope we’ll see you again.
Diner 2: Of course.
Diner 1: So what did you think?
Diner 2: It was interesting, I liked it.
Diner 3: Eh I wasn’t overwhelmed
Diner 4: Me either, it wasn’t so great and the portions were too small.
The End.
