The Rodeo

This is a piece about solving sexual myths that some people have made up to challenge even the freakiest in bed. Go here: Sex Roledex to take a look.

Hi there. My name’s Andre and I’m here with my partner (in the most non-erotic sense) Henry and we are what some people like to call scientists. Ever since high school, there have been a large expansion of sex myths. You know, like the one when you’re having sex with a girl (normally anal) and you punch a girl in the back of the neck so she tightens.

[This is taken from the journal of when we first got the idea started doing this. We tried twice before on our own to complete the tasks to disastrous results; only to have a mutual friend complete it without trying... asshole.]

4.16.2007

By this time, we had gotten tired of getting beaten up. Then, by some stroke of luck, while extrapolating funds for drugs, a nefarious friend confided in us a secret conquest of his, but a fortnight ago. “You guys know that girl, Candy from the 4th floor.” The girl he  was referring to was seen as one of the sweetest girls in our apartment building, and the floor he spoke of was one of notorious action. “Yeah, well. I totally showed her to the rodeo last night.” He smiled and gave off a tone that matched that of a man that just accomplished a sexual conquest. “That’s great, Tony. But I don’t see why that took saying out loud.” I looked at him in confusion and anger as I spoke. Henry chimed, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure nobody gives a shit. Well… except for the fact that you found a rodeo in Philadelphia.” “No, you assholes. The rodeo… you know… the rodeo.” The look of confusion on our faces must have been really apparent; as he soon went into great detail about: “You guys both know I had this huge crush on her since the beginning of school, right. Well, I went to a frat party a couple of weeks and saw her there. Some asshole was brushing all on her; calling her a bitch and what not because she wasn’t DTF. I was nervous as shit. I knew this douchebag wouldn’t leave her alone until she either left the party or he embarrassed her in front of everyone or both. Then, I thought about it. This asshole’s probably so drunk, he wouldn’t even notice if I just pulled her right from under him. So, without saying a word, I did. Sadly, I was mistaken in my assumption and he chased me outside. The fucking guy spills his beer on the biggest African looking motherfucker I’ve ever seen and gets his face stomped in.”

“Oh, I heard about that.”

“Yeah, man. He got fucked up.”

He talked incessantly about a lot of things. He’s the kind of friend that can talk for hours about nothing.. and we hated him for it. Then, he brings up his random sexual conquests We tolerate his mouthy bullshit and sort f get lost in our thought. Some girl got really drunk and saw her boyfriend, blah blah blah…

“What?”

“Cindy… you know that chick, right?”

Hank’s eyes sunk into his skull. He had math class with Cindy for a semester and never got up the courage to ask her out. Never knew why. He’s usually pretty good at that.

“Cindy. Cindy that only dates football players, Cindy?”

Oh, that’s why.

“I know, right. Anyway, I took to her get some food to kind of calm her down. We had a really good fucking time and everything clicked. The best thing was, she had this really odd sense of humor. She kept telling jokes about dead babies and shit. I thought it was kinda cool, but I wasn’t sure how to take it.”

“Get to the end, man.”

“Ok, so we get to her place and start going at it. I’m hitting it all sorts of ways. We’re on the floor on the bed-”

“-and.”

“And, while I was hitting her from the back, I thought of something really funny. What if I told her I had AIDS, right in the middle of sex? I mean, she might like that. It’s funny. And she’d get it because her sense of humor was pretty off center.”
“Not cool, man.”

“I thought: she’ll probably stop having sex no matter what. Even if she was laughing. And then, I started to think: I wonder how long I could hold onto her if she tried getting away.” Henry and I stood there staring at this kid. There’s no way he actually did this. No sane man could.

“So, I’m straddling her. Going at it- then, right as she’s about to cum I pull up to her ear and whisper “I’m sorry to tell you this now, but I have AIDS.”

We stood there, not knowing whether to leave the room and stand the end… we did the latter.

“As soon as I say that, she starts pulling at the dresser to get away. She grabs everything around her and throws it back at me. I dodge most of the shit. Then, she tries run off the bed, kicking, and throwing me around.”

“Well, how long did you stay on?” I kicked Henry in the leg so as not to encourage any more feedback.

“A whole 30 seconds. I pulled out and ran into the bathroom to cum.” At least he had the decency to not finish during… wait a minute… no, he’s still a dick.

I said to him, “Ok, then. My question is: what do you do onc the deed is done.” He equipped the biggest grin onto his face and said, “Wouldn’t know… I climbed out of the window.”

Hank and I said our goodbyes and went back to our apartment. We decided right then and there that it was our obligation to conduct these tests so that assholes like that never try it themselves. “But what about college?”

“Shut up, Henry! We can’t worry about that now. We have to make sure that no rusty trombone, every Cleveland Steamer, and every Manchester Transfer is only done in the name of science!”

“You mean, we have to do all that shit.”

“Hell no… well, not most of it. We’ll have assistants.”

“Cool. ‘Cause you’re not gonna shit on me, dude.”

“I don’t want to, man.”

“Well- you seem pretty fucking excited about this project.”

“Look, just stick with me, ok?”

“I don’t know dude. I’ve got bills to pay. I can’t be doing this sick shit on the side, like this. Can we twiiter this?”

As we bickered on through the night, we felt at ease and not soon after found two assistants and began work.

MYTH: Verified.